Have yourself a merry fudgin' Tuesday.

Truthfully, I didn't really enjoy myself today, for reasons ranging from having to take my history lecture notes by hand (I left the computer at home), to realizing that switching some of my classes was a huge mistake, to being consumed by feelings of misery, self-condemnation, and utter loneliness.  Inside my mind, I kept doubting myself, and wondering, "Is anyone really happy to see me? Doesn't it look like I'm trying too hard? Do I look like some little girl trying to play grown up?". All the while, that tugging feeling of anxiety when I've procrastinated an important assignment for far too long was pounding on my brain. "You're a failure. You're a failure. Give up. Who do you think you're kidding? Going to college? You'll be lucky if you can even finish high school, you ingrate."

I want to run to my friends and spill everything, but somehow I feel that I have to finally stand up against myself on my own. I can't always run to others for sympathy and help, because if I really want to change the world and achieve my dream, then I have to change myself first.


All said and done, though, my isolation today did do me some good. I continued to read more of Kafka On the Shore, by Haruki Murakami. I was inspired for more of my stories I'm posting on Mibba, and even a short story I've been thinking about for years. Ultimately, I want the short (we'll call it "Rain" for now) to appear as a slice-of-life josei manga, so I'm currently writing it in a sort of script style. I'll include a portion of the dialogue I wrote in my notebook today.

C: So, why are you here?
D: [smiling to self] Well, my friend invited her boyfriend over for the night.
C: Huh. That's one hell of a roommate.
D: Well, actually, we have separate rooms, so it's not... hearing or anything that bothers me.
C: ... (then...?)
D: Josh -- her boyfriend -- he's kinda... my ex.
C: No way! Wait-- it's not what I think--
D: Unfortunately, yeah.  They met through me... Pathetic, I know. [smiles cheerfully]
C: Nah, pathetic of him maybe. You probably just have a bad taste in men... and friends.
D: [laughs] Yup, you're right.  Though, I could never hate her.

I know it looks corny, but the image of the finished product I have in my head is stunningly beautiful, so I don't really want to hear it.  Well, maybe criticize me a little. Maybe when I release more information.

My notebook isn't just full of all sentimental crap.  While I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, I heard this middle-aged man say to some kid (I say kid, but he was older than me): "When I was your age, I was already working three jobs. I don't understand why no one can't make no money these days..."
The kid started to reply, "It's this government, maaaan," but I was too busy writing down that old man's statement to listen to the rest.  Before I could write down my sarcastic reply, however, I overheard another ridiculous conversation.

Here's what I wrote down:

Yes, I'm not quite sure what the stench of weed really is, I just know that whenever I smell something disgusting, all of my friends are like, "Oh, it smells like weed."

I've cheered myself up enough to continue with my homework now. Thanks for tuning in!
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