Inspired.

I just finished reading Confessions of a Teenage Nomad.

It's not the kind of book that you haven't read before. I mean, come on.  She's always moving, she's never met her father, she never quite fits in.  Typical book for a typical teenager.  But that's okay, because sometimes those types of books are enough.

Despite it's shortcomings, I enjoyed this book.  It had that tone to it, that atmosphere that makes you think that life is always beautiful, even when there's crap splattered all over it.  Like there's an art to the little details of life.  It's almost the same feeling I get when I watch certain animes (like The House of Five Leaves), read manga (Hana no namae comes to mind) and Japanese-themed novels (I'm thinking of The Hotel Iris by Yoko Ogawa and The Fourth Treasure by Todd Shimoda).

It's breath-taking, in a sense.  The way these authors speak is like they're freezing small moments in their life and loving them for what they are.  In a weird Zen Buddhist sense, it's like they are fully aware of themselves.  Which isn't to say that everything is happy, picture-perfect, and structured, but... *sigh*

I don't know how to describe this feeling, and I'm not sure if it's my lack of vocabulary or that there isn't really a word in the English language for it.  Perhaps the Japanese do, since all they always seem to produce that certain effect.  Like the sound of cicadas in an anime.  Or in Honey and Clover whenever they show the characters randomly looking at the moon.  Perhaps it's not a coincidence that the closest analogy I can find to this is when I compare it to Zen Buddhism.

I've been hoping to write more often lately, and not just blogs.  I mean I want to write.  Write poems, stories, all kinds of crap that my loser middle school self used to do and my loser high school self wants to return to.  But with the way life's been turning out lately, I don't know how to put pen to paper without it sounding like a history essay.  Because I'm always either writing for school, or I'm writing about myself in a blog post about how crappy and unfair my life is.

I'm glad I read Confessions of a Teenage Nomad.  It makes me want to write again, even if what I churn out turns out to be crap.

There are some beautiful moments in life you just don't want to forget.

Sleep is the best healer.

Thanks everyone for your concern. Half the time when I freak out about the astronomical crap that appears in my life every so often, I'm also suffering from lack of sleep.  Otherwise I'd keep it to myself instead of writing a blog post about it, you know?

But I took a nap, and I'm feeling better. I feel like I'm six years old; back then, I hated it when my mom made me take naps.  I always said they were a huge waste of time, though I did feel better whenever I took them.

Well, I can't wait to face another day in hell.  Hopefully I won't come home as depressed this time around.

Does it look like I got beat up?

Because that's how I feel. Every single day of my life, when I get bugged my some arbitrary matter that doesn't matter to me-- it never did, and it never will.  I'm sick of going to school and not being able to just learn.  Because my parents are suspicious of the teachers and write embarrassingly stupid letters so that everybody gives you strange looks. Because the administration doesn't do it's job and then tries to hide it with shameless lies. Because some students steal, lie, and cheat but get away with it and you have to see them every single day, like a knife that's slowly being pushed deeper into your lungs.

I can't breathe anymore.  I'm sick of putting my hope in people, their fake smiles, and their false promises.

I realized today that I don't really matter, that I'm just an excuse to start a fire, so I've made a resolution that I hope to stick to this school year: I'll let you make me the fire to burn down the remnants of something great.  I'll let you tarnish my name as you claim to act in my interest, or whatever.  And meanwhile, while everyone battles it out, I'll just keep living my life like always.  Going to class because I like the material.  Talking to the one or two friends I care about.  Writing depressing stories I'll never finish.  Eating lunch by myself.  Always reading manga or doing homework.

Doesn't anyone get why I wanted to ride my bike to school this year?

We're puppets, you and I.

Unni love.

It's a little embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I really miss my sister.  Only once or twice during the school week do we have time to actually sit together, eat, and talk about our day.  There have been quite a few times when I'm on Delta campus when I see something, turn to my left to tell Becca, and then realize she's not there with me.

I have an older sister complex, it's true. But Unni is so awesome, and she's the one person that I can talk to and not feel like I have to carefully choose my words lest that person think I'm a b*tch or something.  And we don't have to explain things to each other, like how we feel about something. Because we already damn know!

Anyways, I cheerfully spent last night chattering away with Unni, talking about virtually everything that's happened this last week until about six in the morning.  I feel so utterly childish at being so happy to just sleep next to her, like how my seven year old self was happy to sleep next to my mom when she first made me sleep by myself.  (And before you gutter-stuck pervs say anything: IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!) It's always the little things.

When Unni reads this post, she's going to roll her eyes and call me a dweeb.
[OwO]   <  ♥! )

Well, that said we did positively nothing today except talk, eat, watch an episode of Sherlock Holmes, and I read manga.  We were supposed to meet up with a friend, but there were guests at the house and our parents were talking to them about something I really don't want to blog about, much less approach my father while he's talking about it, so I couldn't go today. Perhaps tomorrow, because I really need to get out of this house.

This is a failed attempt to make myself look cool and full of awesomeness.  I succeeded in making myself look like a dork who really needs to get her eyebrows done. And stop taking pictures of herself when she's bored and doesn't want to finish her homework.

On the bright side, my cold is almost completely gone! I got a light sentence this time around, thank goodness. I can't afford to lose any school this year.

In a minute or so, I'm going to get up and actually do something! Reading corny manga like Cyboy always motivates me to want to be a positive person who has problems but can get past them.  Since, you know, I'm a super negative, insecure teenybopper who has problems, can't get past them, and in turn creates more problems.

Yeah, okay. Roll your eyes, it's all right.  I'm being a really retarded high schooler, self-centered and totally talking about things that don't matter. I hate that part of myself too, and I just know that when I get older, I'll look back at these blog posts and rip my hair out with embarrassment. "Why?! Why did I say something SOOO embarrassing?!?! And online too!!! NOOOOOOO." But you know what? I'm fifteen. I'm allowed to be stupid sometimes.

I will regret saying that someday, I'm sure.

Sick-like

Sore limbs.

Plugged ears.

The AC is too cold.

No food in the kitchen.

Lukewarm green tea.

Short on Tylenol.

Yes, I caught a cold.  The worst part is the stuffy nose. I can't breathe through it at all. My plugged ears are a close second, tied with the massive headaches that plague me continuously.

I hate this.

But on the bright side, I love the shorts I'm wearing. They look like a skirt, and they're really comfortable.

It's a bug's life.

We live near a creek so there are lots of little critters in the neighborhood.  The bushes in our front yard had 13 huge spiders with cobwebs that spanned from roof to cement. They were very troublesome -___-

My parents keep forgetting to close the doors, so there are many flies as well. Fortunately, I keep my bedroom door closed most of the time, so my room is critter-free.  However, I found this little bugger on my wall a week ago:

And then I found him dead in my closet a few days later. Yes, this is the same moth I talked about in this blog post, but this is a much better and cooler picture of him.  Despite the fact that blogger keeps turning the picture 90 degrees to the right and so you're seeing it sideways...

Anyway, last night I found out that a black widow has created it's web across my bedroom window.

As much as this creeps the hell out of me, I'm actually extremely grateful.  Before this bugger came along, all these moths and other light-attracted flying thingies kept flinging themselves at my windows to get to my lamp.  And now the window is peacefully clear at night... with the exception of that spider. o_____o