Reflecting

This Spring Break was what most would call fruitless. After all, I spent most of the daylight hours sleeping, and the whole night on the computer, wasting my time with pointless things when I have so much to catch up on: piano lessons, school work, all of it. For a while now, I've been shirking my duties as a student, friend, sister, and daughter. But I've been thinking: so? Why am I so obligated to do things I don't want to? Who is forcing me to live a life full of endless laughter? Why should I put effort into something so routine that it's become detestable?

This kind of reasoning is the lazy man's justification, I know, but I'm still thirteen years old, what can I say? I'm realizing just how insignificant I really am; that the odds of actually achieving my dreams are practically non-existent. It's infuriating to think that everything I work for might never happen, that when I die, nobody will remember me.

I read a weird manga earlier, where a girl is cheated on by her boyfriend with a girl who doesn't even like him. I'm sure the author intended to sympathize with the "victim", but I saw myself in the bitch of that story. She saw the world as pointless, her always-laughing "friends" as simply people she hangs out with, and herself as a totally boring, common person. And you know what? She doesn't get a happy ending. She continues to live her life as she is, completely and utterly alone. It's so fucking hilarious, that feeling of hopelessness I had when I finished reading those three strange chapters of "3D Material". I don't know if I liked it.

Well, I don't have much to offer to anyone who bothers to read this. I don't know how to draw, I'm not good enough on the piano where'd I'd actually want to record myself and post it online, and my face isn't pleasant enough to post pictures. What I write isn't all that special, and all I talk about are whiny, self-centered topics. Still, if there's anyone out there who shares these pathetic feelings, then it can't hurt to share something with you. Here's a passage that I read from the poem "When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd" by Walt Whitman:

To the tally of my soul,
Loud and strong kept up the gray-brown bird,
With pure deliberate notes spreading filling the night.

Loud in the pines and cedars dim,
Clear in the freshness moist and the swamp-perfume,
And I with my comrades there in the night.

While my sight that was bound in my eyes unclosed,
As to long panoramas of visions.

And I saw askant the armies,
I saw as in the noiseless dreams hundreds of battle-flags,
Borne through the smoke of battles and pierc'd with missiles I saw them,
And carried hither and yon through the smoke, and torn and bloody,
And at last but a few shreds left on the staffs, (and all in silence.)
And the staffs all splinter'd and broken.

I saw battle-corpses, myriads of them,
And the white skeletons of young men, I saw them,
I saw the debris and debris of all slain soldiers of the war,
But I saw they were not as was thought,
They themselves were fully at rest, they suffer'd not,
The living remain'd and suffer'd, the mother suffer'd,
And the wife and the child and the musing comrade suffer'd,
And the armies that remain'd suffer'd.

I'm not quite sure if I understand what it means, seeing as I didn't even bother to read the whole poem. All I know is it gives me a very melancholic feelings, more deeper than the one I already have or the one I got after watching the 24th episode of "Kuroshitsuji". It it an insult to Walt Whitman if I compare his work to a manga series? It doesn't matter, even if it does. The poet is dead and I revere both works.

There are other things I'd like to share but I'll save them for later. Now I'll open my blog to the public. It's pointless to write them otherwise.